Finally Losing Weight and Finding How People Like to Watch You Fail

March 2017, Galveston Half Ironman
October 2017, Austin Half Ironman and 35 pounds lighter

I’ve lost about 35 pounds, and I put on five back, which is normal. However, there is a fear that I will place it all back on. So weird. There’s always a fear that I will fail, and I am not sure why. Maybe because it is expected. That’s how I was raised: to expect that failure because everyone judges you when you are happy. It’s so easy to be knocked off your happiness of success. People do not like to see other people succeed, and when you start to slip, they feel better to see you fail. Well, that’s how I was raised. Pretty screwed up thinking, right Maybe, that’s why I just stopped writing. Maybe, that’s why I just stopped eating right again. Don’t worry, I’m eating right again. It’s just so scary, these psychological games, and the games get more complicated as you get older. There has to be a point where I just say, “Screw you. I don’t care. I’m going to succeed, and I’m not going to be scared of success. I’m not going to have you judge me with comments like, “Wow, Ellen, you are really happy now,” said with that tone of jealousy. I’m not going to let you pick me off again so that I can fall to the ground again. It’s not going to happen. I’m tired of feeling trapped in fear of success.