I thought it would be fun. I am being totally serious. I thought the training would keep me on my toes and in shape. Instead, I am a raving lunatic with absolutely no ego. At this point, I want to throw in the towel and be done with the whole bit. Well, yes, this freak out is totally real. So many excuses: I have not trained enough; I am not fast enough; I am injured; I cannot do it.
Well, actually, I think I have trained just fine, including a double brick, which I doubled the time because I did not read the schedule right. I am not fast, and that is fine as long as I can finish the race in the cut off time. I am injured, but I am healing just fine and being cautious. I know I can complete the race, but it will not be easy at all.
Bottom line: It’s my race, and something that I have wanted to do since I’ve started cycling. I’ve done the training, and now it’s the mental training that has me tied up in a ball. It’s the mental part that always gets me, and that is why I do it. If I don’t challenge myself with big goals, like writing books, getting my PhD, running marathons, then I crawl into a ball of depression. I have to have that clear goal, and the journey to the end is my own lesson in healing my flaws. That’s pretty twisted.
Right now, I’m experiencing the journey in waves of anxiety. That’s all right. I have to figure out how to relax, which is the hardest lesson of all for me to learn.
Did I mention I was tapering now? Tapering does indeed suck and bring out the craziness. Obviously.